Romance Novels from Tantalizing Tales

The Dish Pan

By Charlene Keel

Becoming A Soap Opera Writer

...and Other Merry Misadventures

April 2006

Philece as Donna Love
– Another World

It wouldn’t be fair to critique soaps without recounting my own soap-writing drama. There’s a joke in Hollywood about the starlet who tries to get ahead by sleeping with the writers. That’s the joke. TV writers have no power—and new TV writers have even less, making them the biggest joke of all.

A prime-time producer told me, during a pitch meeting, that he met with me only because he was required by the Writer’s Guild of America (WGA) to meet with a designated number of freelancers and to assign a designated (infinitesimal) number of scripts per season to freelancers.

Belly Shirt Cool

But—and this is what makes him a truly moral guy in a sea of creative immorality—he also told me that all but one of those pre-ordained freelance assignments went to his friends or family members.

That was my last pitch meeting. I told my agent Marty Shapiro not to waste any more of my time. And that was long after I’d tried—with Marty and his team pushing for me—to get hired as a dialogue writer and/or headwriter for a daytime drama.

Will Jack
Be Back?

It all started when Ken Corday (Days of Our Lives producer and sincerely nice guy) optioned my novel, Rituals. Our deal called for me to write the pilot script and to be story consultant—if not selected as headwriter—with the guarantee of two episodes per season.

I thought my fortune was made but Ken’s subsequent deal with Telepictures fixed that. Telepictures hired a guy we’ll call “F” to be the producer. From day one, “F” systematically axed every actor, writer and producer Ken had hired. Several writers did several pilot scripts before Lynne Osborne was finally able to rework all versions into at least a semblance of my original script.

Survived Rituals Pilot Axe

In spite of all the sabotage, our pilot sold the show in a five-nights-a-week syndication deal, which made history. Rituals was the first soap ever created specifically for syndication. So why did “F” fire the entire production team and all but two of the actors and then lock me out of series production? Because he could. It’s as simple as that.

Heck—I had to crash my own premiere party ’cause nobody bothered to send me an invitation. But crash it I did—and whenever I bumped into “F” at a Hollywood watering hole, I’d send a drink over to his table (anonymously) so he’d have to get up and walk around the restaurant to see who’d paid him the compliment.

The show was on five nights a week for a year. At least I got my royalty checks. Those 260 episodes ran in the foreign market for several more years but actors and writers got residuals only on domestic (U.S.) runs, keeping the $$ securely in the pockets of the producers. I keep hoping it’ll turn up on SoapNet.

Going With Brendan After Search

That was just the beginning. Because of Rituals, I did sample scripts for and was hired and almost hired by Days of Our Lives, Another World, General Hospital and Search For Tomorrow. And my work was appropriated by some of the best (or at least longest-working) headwriters.

Come back soon for the second installment of my merry misadventures as I tried to break into soap writing—all experiences that give me the inalienable right to critique soaps as I see fit—without mercy.

GENERAL HOSPITAL – Doesn’t anyone check the temperatures in the cities where the story takes place? All winter we’ve had characters standing on patios in backless evening gowns or in parks wearing belly shirts when the temp in upstate NY is a mean average of freezing or below. What should we expect for summer? Full-length faux furs on Independence Day?

Belly Shirt Hot

DAYS OF OUR LIVES – Okay, James Reilly is a terrific headwriter. No one can argue that. But come on. Pivotal characters walk around at big parties talking (aloud) to themselves, holding up pieces of jewelry or big files containing DNA results or other medical reports—and no one notices? Not even when it’s obvious that some of these characters are villains and other characters are supposed to be watching them?

And another thing—writers and producers have brought back countless characters including Tony DiMera (Thao Penglis) and Stefano DiMera (Joseph Mascolo). Even Josh Taylor (one of our favorites) who used to play Chris Kosichek has been miraculously transformed into Roman Brady.

We love Josh (as Chris or Roman)

So why don’t they return Renee DiMera (Philece Sampler) to Salem? Sampler is an amazing, absolutely gorgeous actress. Renee died at the hands of the Salem Slasher—so what? It wouldn’t be the first time a character returned from the grave. Or Philece could play Renee’s twin sister or a cousin or just someone who looks like and is mistaken for Renee.

Philece Sampler Now – Bring Her Back To Days!

Oh, wait! I know—she could return as the long-lost Chris Kosichek who went to Sweden and had a sex-change operation.

If you’d like to see Philece Sampler back on Days of Our Lives (as Renee DiMera, Renee’s look-alike or anyone else), please drop a line to:

Ken Corday & James E. Reilly
“Days of Our Lives”
NBC-TV
3000 W. Alameda Ave.
Burbank, CA 91523

Stay tuned for more dish…

October 2005

Loving The Tube

First, let’s establish that I love TV—yes, l-o-v-e it and I make no apologies for that. I turn it on in the morning when I wake up, mute it when I’m on deadline or on the phone and turn it off after dozing during Murphy Brown on Nick At Nite.

For someone like me, the new fall season has been a long time coming—but it seems worth the wait even though I’ll miss some shows that got dumped. I could have watched Judging Amy until Maxine was carted off to the old folks home and Amy became a grandmother—and what genius at HBO had the bright idea to cancel Carnivale, anyway? Here are my top ten choices of both new and returning shows, and comments on some others.

Jin Speaks – English!

LOST - Promos for the second season opener promised to unravel mysteries with the opening of the hatch. Hope you didn’t fall for that. You must know by now that any answer we get only reveals another mystery, just like a Chinese Puzzle Box. What we love about Lost (in addition to the hot cast) is that it keeps us guessing—literally— from the edges of our seats.

Psychic Appeal

MEDIUM – If you’ve ever had a nightmare you’ll agree this show is truly frightening. Patricia Arquette is a psychic who dreams clues that solve grisly crimes. For balance, she has a sort of normal life with her loyal, understanding, romantic, sexy husband—played charmingly by Jake Weber—and their three adorable girls. The middle one is psychic like mom, the older one is a condescending pre-teen (with hints of psychic ability) and it’s too soon to tell about the baby. Acting is superb, scripts are terrific, and exec producer Kelsey Grammer (aka Frasier) deserves a million kudos.

BOSTON LEGAL – Can James Spader get any sexier? His Above-It-All, Just-Enough-Out-of-Reach-to-Make-It-Interesting presentation works. And even the added years and few extra pounds look good on him. William Shatner is delightful and disgustingly believable in the role of loveable skankoid and Candice Bergen is absolutely perfect as their boss. Stories and Scripts are excellent and cast is solid and attractive.

Sexy Cibrian

INVASION – Eddie Cibrian (of Third Watch fame) is so delicious as Russell you could eat him up with a spoon. Brilliant creator/producer/screenwriter Shaun Cassidy has hit another home run.

Bad Hot Sheriff

With first-rate scripting, the show poses creepy questions right out of the gate. Was the hurricane a government cover-up (and how the heck would that work)? What does the hot but scary sheriff (William Fitchner) know that he ain’t telling? What were the lights that fell out of the sky and into the water?

Gill Girl?

What did Russell and his brother-in-law Dave (winningly played by Tyler Labine) find in the swamp? And why the heck is Mariel (Kari Matchett) so fascinated with running water—and is she growing gills or something? This show is really eerie.

GILMORE GIRLS – I missed out on the first couple of seasons because I avoided it like the plague. It just looked so darn cute that I was sure I’d get hooked. So during summer re-runs, I gave it a look (out of desperation) and—I got hooked. Casting is perfect, scripts are delicious and male pulchritude abounds (in all age ranges). Plus, the snappy, better-than-chick-lit dialogue is as addictive as chocolate-covered pretzels.

Hot Aussie Cowboy

McLEOD’S DAUGHTERS - This Australian import is a feast for the eyes and a treat for anyone who ever dreamed of escaping fast, meaningless city life for big, open ranges, lots of cattle and sheep and even alpacas. Premise is that two estranged half-sisters inherit a big ranch somewhere in the back of beyond from a father they both loved and one of them hardly knew. City sister joins country sister, and with an all-female staff, they work the ranch. Neighbors are hunkalicious brothers and various, virile drovers and cowhands, making for plenty of romantic suspense, love gone awry and love fulfilled. Last season, the hot Aussie cowboys wowed us with a Chippendale-type strip number (it made perfect sense in the story line). The only question this season is—how will they top that? The biggest temptation is—since we’re a good season behind the Australian airing—to go surfing ’round the web to find out where the action is heading a year down the line.

TWO AND A HALF MEN – What can I say? It continues to be laugh-out-loud, hold-your-sides, roll-on-the-floor-’til-you-split-a-gut funny.

Fab and Funny

REBA – Ditto. One of the world’s best country singers proves she has a flair for comedy, even though Steve Howey as Van and Melissa Peterman as Barbara Jean get most of the laughs (and deservedly so).

Reba's Sexy Ex

While we like BJ, there’s so much great chemistry between Reba and Christopher Rich as her ex-hubby that we keep hoping they’ll get back together.

COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF – Okay, I’m a Geena Davis fan anyway, but my prejudice aside, she really is wonderful as the first woman president in US history. The balance between family life and affairs of state is intelligent and well paced; and if you’re talking strictly eye-candy, she’s surrounded by great looking men including Kyle Secor as her husband, Harry Lennix as her Chief of Staff and Donald Sutherland who plays a sinister Speaker of the House with exactly the right understatement of slither.

Short and Steamy

THRESHOLD – While I love the premise—UFO attacks a military vessel, killing most of the crew but leaving a few alive and biologically enhanced to run amuck and wreak havoc on the world’s unsuspecting populace—I keep waiting for something more to happen. All we’ve seen so far is a knockout gorgeous cast tracking the survivors before they can turn people into whatever they’ve become. But, because the cast is so good (headed by Carla Gugino) I’ll keep going back for more. Matter of fact, I’ll watch just to see Peter Dinklage (Arthur). For a short guy, he exudes sexy to the point of reek—and besides, he’s a marvelous actor, easily stealing any scene he’s in.

SUPERNATURAL – Hey, I wanted to like it. I’ve watched three shows hoping for something new and different and I’m just not seeing it. Two handsome young leading men are so easy on the eyes that you find yourself distracted from the not-so-original dialogue. It offers nothing we haven’t seen before on Twilight Zone, Outer Limits and even some X-Files. We keep hoping to meet the father who set these nice boys upon their dangerous quest, and we keep hoping an actor with raw sex appeal and depth (like Lance Henriksen) will play him…but so far, no such luck. The dad’s the most interesting character on the show and he’s never seen—only talked about.

DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES didn’t make it onto my favorites list either—so sue me. Last season, I watched the first few episodes and frankly, I don’t get it. It was touted as “quirky” so I gave it a try. I didn’t find much to hold my interest. The cast is terrific but I don’t care for the characters they play and I found myself feeling sorry for their husbands and/or lovers. I mean, TWIN PEAKS was quirky and disturbing. NORTHERN EXPOSURE was quirky and enchanting—and in both instances, I liked the characters. My gal pals have urged me to give DH another try, so maybe I will—during summer re-runs.

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